Leonieblog

WARNING! Entire plot spoiler!

When a shark movie starts with an alien spaceship, you know you're in for a treat. A mix between alien and predator, with some kind of Ewok derived language, the aliens may be able to make spaceships but they sure as hell can't fly them. After crashing in to another ship, they drop a canister which falls to earth, taking out a boat on it's way, and lands under the sea at the Bermuda triangle.

Then there's some undersea lab filled with unconvincing scientists using (as they describe it) '80's technology'. Their sonar shows that there are more sharks in the area. As one of the scientists enters, we see some sharks outside a window who are on pause until the scientist walks past them. I guess you can train sharks to swim on cue. Vanessa Angel, with her strange, strange mouth, is introduced as the disgruntled wife that just wants to do her vaguely sciencey job, while her husband (some guy with underdeveloped facial hair) wants to leave the lab and make their marriage work or something along those lines. There's some conversation about one of the scientist ladies being a mountain climber. Surely that will be an important plot point later. Then the raging sharks turn up.

As with all Danny Lerner films the sharks growl and are accompanied by an operatic score. Luckily, raging sharks appear as a red light on the sonar. The sharks manage to suck out someone's eye and cut the power to the lab (causing massive explosions on many consoles). But they are no match for Vanessa fish face Angel, who manages to stab them and escape back to the lab. Angry at the knife crime, the sharks cut the oxygen supply to the 80's lab. Twice. We are then told that there's been 'a severe shark attack'. Then there's some stuff with the navy, then another guy gets eaten and a guy that looks like Santa Claus on holiday cries. The scientists discover that there's more than one species, all the sharks are raging! Then they find some particles that are not of this earth! That's some good sciencing right there.
It's the orange crystals from the alien canister that are making the sharks raging. Oh...that's why there were aliens at the beginning. Now it all makes sense! Also, the chemical analysis print out is actually a list of CSS programming. Are the crystals made from...webpages?
There's a dream sequence (another staple Lerner /Weldon plot device) where a shark growls through a window at husband man. Then (back to reality) the coast guard gets eaten by a shark, while on a plane. Then lots of surfers get eaten. Then there's an autopsy on a shark that was caught in a net, and they find some alien crystals inside it. Then a submarine comes along with a random grumpy man in a shirt who looks like he might have been in some other low budget movies, or possible a tv show. He's from the M.O.A (Ministry of armies? Mall of america? Master of accents? What's the M.O.A?).

Some woman, possibly a journalist, gets eaten right off a boat, but the shark spits out her camera. And the arm holding it.
Then a diver takes a photo, but the sharks don't like the flash (who does?) and there's another severe shark attack. More stuff explodes in the lab because the alien goo was glowing. There's some fire and a bit of flooding. Then weird face hair husband and 'Carlo' (?) go out in some little put-put submariney thing. Carlo gets eaten. Shooting a torpedo in to the reef is the only way to save Mr.Husband. So, they do that and the sharks get blown up. No more raging for them! Then fluffy chin finds the alien nonsense. But some more sharks show up.

A grumpy janitor guy steals a submarine from the lab so he can see his kids again, but the sharks blow it up. Meanwhile, at the lab, a scientist discovers that the crystals make noise when you pour liquid on them. Cold fusion. Obviously. Then the M.O.A. Guy from the sub starts shooting everyone in the lab. He is actually from J12, which apparently means that he is black ops.

Vanessa mouthface tries to be a hero but is too dim to see it through. Mountain climber scientist gets killed by drowning. I guess there was no point to that whole mountain climbing conversation earlier in the film. Oh well. Old fuzz neck gets hold of the gun. There haven't been any sharks in ages. A good movie would be finished by now. Then there's some slow-mo to drag things out a bit more. Still no sharks. Did they get bored? Are they less raging? Angel fishwife takes out the black ops guy, clearly it's easier to pass the special forces training these days. The aliens come back, realising that they dropped something. They beam underwater and dance about their can of Tango for a bit. Fuzz face and fish lips are close to death as the oxygen is FINALLY starting to run out. Turns out that J12 man is still alive, but a shark gets him. Yay! No one believes hairy neck about the aliens. The end.

There's also a making of, which is a real treat. Apparently, because Danny Lerner is so awesome, 'someone should write a book about him.' I think that person should be me.